Pirate History

Who: Socrates was a pretty smart guy from Athens who thought a lot. He was kind of like Method Man, because he has his own method -- the Socratic Method. Which is really just a way to trick someone into believing what you believe. Kind of like Jedi mind tricks, but it even works on strong minded people.

What makes him a pirate: Socrates fought "the man." Pirates fight "the man," so that makes Socrates a pirate. "The Man," in those times, was the government. The government thought he was teaching some bad stuff, so they arrested him. His method didn't work on the authorities. They made him drink a poison drink known as Hemlock. It was kind of like Fear Factor, except it killed him. And Joe Rogan wasn't there. And he didn't get $50,000. However, as a wise man once said: Fear is not a factor for Socrates.

Who: Ben Franklin lived a pretty productive life. When he wasn't busy inventing bifocals, writing bestsellers, printing newspapers or discovering electricity, he was starting a country. Not too shabby.

What makes him a pirate: It's hard to believe that Ben Franklin was a pirate. At first glance you'd think he was a fat, bald man with glasses. And, even though they say that the paintbrush adds ten pounds, you'd be right. What you wouldn't guess was that women adored Ben Franklin. Women also love pirates. That, combined with the fact that Ben fought "the man" (in this case, the Brits), makes Ben a pirate.

Who: Willie Stargell hammered an astounding 475 homers in his career -- and that's without steroids! I know what you're thinking -- what an idiot! He should have been juicing like an orange factory! He could have hit at least 600 homers. But, he had class. And Jose Canseco wasn't around to inject his arse full of 'roids. Besides hittin' homers, he also led his team to two World Series Championships.

What makes him a pirate: Do I really need to answer this. Look to your left. The guy has the word "pirates" on his shirt. That pretty much makes him a pirate. Plus he had a nickname (Pops), which every good pirate has.

Who: Wolverine. He helps the X-men keep peace between mutants and humans while investigating his past.

What makes him a pirate: He's got claws that come out of his hands. Besides that, he fights "the man", he's got a cool nickname and even cooler facial hair. Plus, he's got BADASS BLADES THAT COME OUT OF HIS HANDS.

Who: Andre Agassi had an amazing tennis career, winning all four Grand Slam titles and an Olympic Gold Medal. His only failure was one of judgment: marrying Brooke Shields. Fortunately, aliens intervened, and, hoping to create an unstoppable Bolog player (alien sport very similar to tennis) they used mind control to get him to marry Steffi Graf. They will now produce super children.

What makes him a pirate: Agassi has a huge pair -- he kept playing tennis even though his back had given out. Pirates are known for having cajones. And, let's not forget, the guy wears a bandana and an earring.